//poses bc vent shit as always

I'd just like to change my body, my face, my way of thinking, acting, talking.
I'd just like to not be me for getting lost inside the unknown every single day.
Cry till fall asleep while having terrible headaches and wake up with puffy eyes.

I'm scared of myself, because I know I do things that later I regret.
And I know that just because having suicidal thoughts, for a impulse I am able to fucking kill myself.
I had just one friend which I could talk normally about my shit and now they're slipping away from my hands because of my fault.
I'm scared to be alone with someone like me.
Just because knowing I'll be alone makes my heart accelerate, I tremble and sweat

I know that "someday I'll be happy", it's ok but, right now I am not alright and those words help me a single shit.
I'm really thankful when people try to talk to me, but even after that, I don't feel better.
But, many times I think like, I deserve to feel bad. I'm nothing special and I don't deserve to feel happiness.

I wanted to ask for help so many times but... How? And where?
What if I'm just having bad days?
I'll be just a waste of time. In the case I get a psychologist, while I'm talking my shit, someone could talk about real problems.

And... thanks for reading. ♥